its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
