Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well I just put wine in my tea
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
