and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
