Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
