During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
