Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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