If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
