I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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