Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize