I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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