I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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