You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
