I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
