Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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