It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I FOUND THE LEGS
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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