I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
