another moral hangover. fuck.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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