What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
