Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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