my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
