R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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