I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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