Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
