My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
