Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
