I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
