I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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