My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
