We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
