I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
