So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
