can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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