I just threw up on my dentist
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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