i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
