can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
