I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
