I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
