where does the pee come out of this thing
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
