My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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