Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
