It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
