It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
