I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
