Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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