If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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