After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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