so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
