peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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