I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
