remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
