im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
