how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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