Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
