mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
