you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
that is very illegal...i love you.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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