I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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